Comingoutweek, sexuality and gender

[xenophanean]

Feel I should something about sexuality etc for #comingoutweek. Well, I don't want to say it on Facebook, a bit too personal, but I'll say it on LJ.

Okay, I'm bisexual. I like being bisexual, because it helps with the love and excitement I feel about toward some people of either gender.

I'm normally, but not exclusively attracted to people who are somewhere towards the "centre" in terms of gender presentation. This is probably because I've got some issues with my own gender. Internally, I'm quite a bit less clearly male than I appear (do I behave that male? I'm not sure). This isn't too much of a problem for me, the mild gender-queerness was terrifying as a teenager, but these days it's something of a source of happiness. I'm not sure I'll ever be wanting to dress as female, but being able to act as something in-between sometimes, well, that can be very nice.

I'm also demisexual. I hate being demisexual. I think I'd find the uncomplicated nature of romantic asexuality very lovely, and just being normally sexed would make things a whole lot easier. As it is, as a demisexual man, when I get close enough to to be intimate with people, they assume that as a (presumably highly sexed) man, my lack of interest represents my not fancying them, and thus it's time to move on. Also, the lack of initial basic desire means the impetus to just get intimate with a new person anyway and see if it turns into something good later doesn't really happen either.

A combination of these two factors means it makes it much harder to find someone to be loving with, and that's pretty much the worst thing in the world for me. For all that I'm less than excellent with other people, there have been quite a few who I've liked a very great deal over the years, and a couple of them have liked me back. I often wonder whether without the demisexuality, things could be very different now.

I've found chinks and cracks in the armour, and those gaps have let me love a handful of people over time, sometimes it has felt a little stolen, but it's been good anyway, and I'm very grateful for those things. Still, I'd love a way round it.

Comments

[andrewducker]

*hug*

That does very hard. Is it hard to be open enough with people that they will give you time? I can imagine that many people are not as open as we'd all like, and that being nervewracking to deal with.

[xenophanean.livejournal.com]

I'm getting better at it, openness helps. Also before recent years there was the problem of not having a clue what was happening with me or why. These days, I've got a better, if incomplete handle on it.

[erindubitably.livejournal.com]

Also, the lack of initial basic desire means the impetus to just get intimate with a new person anyway and see if it turns into something good later doesn't really happen either.

I'm struggling to articulate a thing here, but I can identify with this to a certain degree and have found that even if the physical desire is not present I can still feel the impetus to be intimate for other reasons - wanting closeness, the emotional connection it brings, and responsive desire meaning that once I'm doing it the physical desire 'wakes up'. Have you tried thinking about intimacy in those terms, rather than just 'am I turned on right now'?

[xenophanean.livejournal.com]

These days, I do seek out people who look interesting or emotionally attractive, I probably didn't have the mental architecture to do that as recently as 5 years ago though. Things are unquestionably improving, and a it's a thing I'm constantly working on, although it has taken closeness with other people for me to even really understand the dimensions to be able to do so.

I think with the initial basic desire thing, it's a regret for a world that isn't. There have been quite a few situations where had I been highly sexed I could have randomly got intimate with someone, and then decided later whether this was disaster or happy accident. That doesn't really happen if you're suddenly taken by fear and awkwardness though.

I think in the past I've been unrealistic, and led by ideas that I should want things which I'm now not sure I ever really wanted. Things are getting better though.